Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.

For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.

After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

1. You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
2. Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in African culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
3. Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
4. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ friend was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.

At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.

If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”

If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”

It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …”

I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.

If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.

5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”

If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”

If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.

7. “No, I can’t.”

The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.

Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

Most people spend their entire lives in search of happiness. While searching for happiness often leads people in various directions, it all starts with a decision.

Perhaps you feel you cannot truly be happy until you find a spouse, get a certain job, drive a certain car, or reach the spiritual height you are seeking. Or perhaps you are a person that is normally happy but you have declined in your level of happiness due to a broken heart, health issue, or financial situation.

While you may not have complete control over the situation, you can still decide to have happiness in your heart in spite of the situation. Challenges in this life are inevitable despite how much money you have or what position you hold. It is our responsibility to help each other maintain happiness when these challenges present themselves. I believe that when we make it our business to help others maintain their happiness through trying times, we automatically become happier in the process.

In my personal experience, I have found that the easiest way to spread happiness to others is simply paying compliments. I make it a point to pay as many compliments each day as possible. Why do I do this? Because it lifts the spirits of others and lifts my own in the process.

Paying compliments is very easy to do. If I see a person in a nice suit I make a point of telling them so. If a friend has a new hairstyle, new shoes, new earrings, or anything else I notice and I compliment them.

But what if you don't like their new hairstyle? Then find something else to compliment. Maybe they have on nice perfume or cologne. There is always a way to pay a genuine compliment.

I have found that when I am in a sad or bad mood, one of the easiest ways to help myself out of that mood is to compliment someone. When I do this at least 1 of 3 things usually happens:

1) Paying them the compliment makes them feel good.

2) Making that person happy makes me feel good and my mood is changed.

3) If the person was someone I didn't know very well a conversation starts and I make a new friend.

If you do not believe that making others happy will make you happy then I simply dare you to give it a try. Maybe you do not have the money or other resources to help solve someone's issue. But that is not the only way to make someone happy. The power of words is an amazing thing.

You never know the affect a compliment can have on someone. It just may be the only nice thing they hear all day. It may be just the positive push they needed to work through a difficult situation. I believe that when someone else is lifted by a compliment and their mood is changed, we unconsciously and positively affect the others who will later come in contact with that person.

"Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so." 

Tchao.

Here’s the bottom line.

You just don’t know.

You just don’t know what’s going on in another person’s life.

You just don’t know the entire situation and the circumstances that are involved.

You just don’t know what’s going on in another person’s head.

As humans, when we meet one another, we instinctively gather as much information as we can from our interaction and based on that information, which is akin the size of a small puzzle piece, we try to construct the entire jigsaw puzzle of that person using only that small puzzle piece. You can’t. You just can’t do that.

For example, you meet someone for the first time and he seems a bit rude, a bit standoffish, not very graceful in terms of social manners, and appears a bit angry. We take that information and paint that person as just that in everyday life, when in reality, he could’ve just been having a bad day. A deal might’ve not gone through at work, maybe he didn’t get the raise he wanted, or maybe he just had a bad fight with his wife.

You don’t know.

You just don’t know.

Yet, we do have a natural tendency to try to make sense of things of the information we have and like that example pointed out, the problem is that the information we have is too small. It’s not enough. It’s like a grain of sand compared to a beach.

Obviously, the more time you spend with another person, the more pieces you can gather to construct a better overall picture, but this article is mainly geared toward those who we're not that close to yet, acquaintances, new friends, co-workers, etc.

I knew one person who many people judged to be as very “arrogant”. He rarely talked in social situations and tended to keep quiet in group conversations and stayed away from people in general. Many people thought he was too “cool” to talk with them, that he thought he was above or better than them in some way. I was curious about him so I befriended him and we had a candid talk and I was surprised at what I found. He was not the least bit arrogant at all. On the contrary, he was quite humble.

And as we talked, I realized what this was all about. He was a classic introvert. He enjoyed spending time alone. He didn’t really particularly care for small talk. He liked conversation, but only when it involved deep, stimulating talk. He felt drained at parties and with talking with people so he needed to recharge by being alone with his thoughts. He had absolutely no clue that other people perceived him to be arrogant. He was just doing what was comfortable for him.

Going a bit off tangent here, I think there’s a big misconception when the word introvert is used in mainstream society. An introvert is usually correlated with someone who is extremely shy, has low self confidence, low self esteem, or maybe even someone who is antisocial but that is simply not true at all.

Introverts mainly draw energy by being by themselves. They feel at peace when they are alone. Extroverts mainly draw energy from being around other people and feel in their element, so to speak, with others.

It’s just a different preference of orientation when it comes to getting energy, one comes from within, the other without.

An introvert can give a great, inspiring, riveting speech to tens of thousands of people, but when talking with a small group of people, he can feel drained and want to drift away in his own thoughts.

Again, it’s mainly a preference, nothing more.

There is a difference between a true introvert and a person who is shy and wants to socialize. The introvert feels comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t have the desire to socialize as much as the next person, while the shy person who wants to socialize may suffer from social anxiety, low self esteem, low self confidence, etc.

Going back to that introverted person, it’s easy to see how people can judge him by his behavior and label him as arrogant.

Now, it may seem like little harm is done when one person mistakenly judges him as arrogant, but the real trouble starts when that one person starts to “paint” him as arrogant to others, so when other people meet him for the first time, his behavior is automatically filtered to justify this “painting of arrogance” that they were led to believe and lo and behold, the “painting” becomes justified.

Within very close social circles, people’s reputation can become greatly harmed through this type of quick judgment coupled with gossip.

To be perfectly honest, I’ve heard the admonition of don’t be quick to judge as well, but only in my head. It wasn’t drilled into my heart. I’ll admit that I did judge a person based on first impressions in the past and I don’t think I’m alone in that. We can’t help it. We do it automatically.

I remember the first time the thought of not judging someone based on first impressions really hit me was way back in freshman year of college.

It was a new school, with new students, and the first day of class, I made some acquaintances, and “sized up” the students in the classroom and automatically built profiles in my head based on observations and some casual interaction that were later to be completely shattered by the end of the quarter.

Completely shattered.

As if someone gathered all the nuclear bombs in the world and set them off in front of the mental profiles that I had constructed in my mind in the beginning of the quarter. I was so embarrassed at how completely wrong I was that I didn’t trust my own judgment from first impressions from that moment on down to this very day.

I’d like to give some examples, but to be honest, I’m a bit embarrassed to put it out there.

And I know this seems like common knowledge to a lot of people and I’m sure it is.

But it’s probably common knowledge in their head. Not in their heart.

There is a huge difference between the two.

Take for example, a person who has heard all his life not to drink and drive. Yet, he goes to the bar and downs a few drinks and chooses to drive home and on the way home, he nearly crashes his car in the center divider.

That experience can really drill what we have inside our heads into our hearts and it’s from that experience that we really “get it”. We understand and we never forget from that point on. And that’s important. It’s not enough to know in your head. You have to know it in your heart.

Passing quick judgment is a very dangerous habit because once we’ve judged someone, all our thoughts, actions, behaviors become dictated by the judgment we have of that other person and we literally create a filter for that specific person and that’s just not fair. It really isn’t.

Remember the introverted person I was talking about? Guess how many people would start a conversation with him to get to really know him? Very little. Very little. Why?

Because they’ve already passed judgment on him as arrogant. Their behavior was filtered through that so they don’t take the time to get to really know him and that’s a shame. You end up treating someone a certain way based on a picture that can be, and is usually (at least in the beginning) completely wrong. Completely wrong. And should you spread your judgment to others, it only compounds the situation even worse.

So keep an open mind. You don’t know the whole story. You just don’t know. But you can, if you just keep an open mind and take the initiative to find out.

Tchao.

Intimacy Is Not The Same As Sex

Intimacy is probably one of the most misunderstood concepts in relationships. Somewhere down the line intimacy and sex became interchangeable words, many people believing they are one and the same. And while intimacy may include sex, it involves much more. Intimacy encompasses an entire way of being, acting, and thinking. It is a place of commitment, vulnerability, and trust. Intimacy is when both spouses understand each other while simultaneously feeling understood. People can be married for years and never truly be intimate with each other..

I have a lot of information, as you continue to read about marriage and intimacy you might find something that might just help you or your loves ones. Be sure to share all of these information with your friends and family.

Unfortunately, for the most part, we all carry emotional baggage with us before we even enter committed relationships that when we do, we cannot allow ourselves to trust or be open with our partner. Consciously or unconsciously, we are always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop; meanwhile we shut ourselves off from experiencing what we all innately desire — a partnership in which we can simply be, without fear or mistrust. When a relationship lacks intimacy, one or both parties involved can feel unwanted, anxious, lonely, inadequate, depressed, rejected, resentful, and angry just to name a few of the many emotions that surface. When this happens, the relationship is headed for absolute failure.

Recently, the United States Census Bureau stated that approximately 38 percent of married couples would eventually divorce. Marriage, even with its inherent flaws, does not have to end in divorce however. Intimacy is something we learn how to create. Counseling can give you the tools to better relate to your spouse and open the doors to the relationship you thought you were getting when you first walked down the aisle.

 

Why Are So few Couples Intimate?

When we are born, we come into this world as a clean slate. As babies we are completely vulnerable in every sense of the word. Each day however, life gives us clues on how to act and react in the world around us by providing life lessons that shape our perspectives. The older we get and the more lessons we learn, the more our egos develop, eventually dictating how open or guarded we become. When we finally enter into a committed relationship, we bring all of these experiences with us. And for most of us, we tend to focus more on the negative experiences that suggest self-preservation rather than openness and vulnerability, which will ultimately lead us back to that blissful state of complete trust we experienced at birth.

Until we are able to rid ourselves of our old patterns and ways of reacting, we will see intimacy in one of two ways: we will either crave intimacy in an attempt to make up for the lack of intimacy we felt growing up or we will push it away in order to avoid feeling the pain of the past. Ironically, both types of people are after the same end result, they just go about it in opposite directions — neither of which is healthy or effective. For example, if you are the type of person that craves the feeling of intimacy, you will tend to smother your partner in neediness. You will try and fill your own feelings of desperation and emptiness through your spouse, something that will ultimately cause them to back off, ironically causing more neediness on your part and more retreating on theirs. This cyclical dance has no happy ending and neither partner ever gets what they want or need from the relationship.

On the other hand, if you are the type of person that avoids intimacy, you may commit to a relationship on the outside but inside, where real intimacy resides, you will fear getting close because it represents vulnerability, a place you have no intention of going. Either situation is destined to leave you unfulfilled, with the feeling that you are missing a vital connection in your relationship.

How Do I know if My Marriage Needs Help?

First of all, the only thing we ever have control over in life is our own feelings and reactions. While intimacy involves more than one person, simply changing your perspective and response to any given situation can make a world of difference to the relationship. If you can’t first tear down the walls that keep you from experiencing intimacy, it really doesn’t matter what your partner does — it will never be enough. Couples can most definitely work through their intimacy issues together, but as individuals, you must also look at your own issues that contributed to the lack of intimacy, and fear of being vulnerable.

Generally, if you are unhappy, if you feel alone, empty, depressed, resentful, or angry in your relationship, it is a sign there are unresolved underlying issues for which counseling can be beneficial. As cliché as it sounds, we do have to accept ourselves first before we can accept another person into our lives. Intimacy involves vulnerability and trust. It involves two people reaching down into the core of their beings and allowing the other person in with no fear or regret. Intimacy with another person is one of the most rewarding things we will ever experience in life. Given our pasts, this can be a very scary ordeal however, which is why so few couples are truly intimate. Counseling can give you the tools to put your life into perspective and restore your past issues, small or large as they may be, so you can finally open the doors to a satisfying, intimate relationship.

SEEK HELP AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE, DON'T BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE IGNORANT PEOPLE WALKING AROUND PRETENDING LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALL {ROSIE ROSIE}WHEN YOU REAL KNOW THINGS ARE NOT SO GOOD.

We all have them. Those no energy days when you just don’t feel like being positive and all your confidence seems to have run out like sand in an hour glass. Plus you just feel tired. You don’t feel like doing anything. There’s nothing wrong with having a no energy day as long as we recognize it as that. It’s simply one day and we can get ourselves back on the positive energy track when we’re ready. Here are some tips on what to do on those days:

1. Listen to your body – maybe you have been doing too much lately and really are tired and in need of some rest. Turn off the tv tonight and go to bed early. Your body will thank you for it. Even insignificant problems tend to feel overwhelming if we’re tired. It’s hard to be positive when you’re exhausted.

2. Appreciate – take the time to appreciate something good in your life. Think about how much joy they add to your life. Could be anything from your significant other to your pets to the new car you just bought.

You could also look at some pictures that make you smile or read some inspirational stories.

3. Be Creative – it can be as simple as doodling a design in the corner of your notebook. Doing something creative can get us off a negative mental track and on to something fun. It can be a great way to break a bad mood.

4. Eat Healthy – take the time to eat healthy. When we’re having a low energy day it’s easy to grab for the junk food. This will just end up making us feel even worse. Along with eating healthy comes ensuring that you’re drinking enough water. If we’ve been drinking a lot of caffeine we could be dehydrated which would cause us to have lower energy levels. Try drinking a cup of hot steaming herbal tea if you don’t like plain water.

5. Body Language – how are you standing or sitting? If you’re slouched over, try straightening up. This will allow more oxygen into your lungs and give you more energy.

6. Stretch – stretching can do wonders for our mental and physical energy. Try yoga or pilates or even just do some simple stretching.

7. Walk - you may not feel like a lot of exercise on low energy days but even just going for a 10 minute walk may be enough to boost your spirits. Enjoy your walk, look around you, feel the sunshine and breathe in the fresh air.

8. Be in the Present Moment – forget all about the things you need to do or events that happened in the past. Just breathe, focus on the present moment. If you have a plant on your desk, look at it like you've never seen it before. Examine each leaf, each colour variation, the pot it's in. See it all as if for the first time.

9. Reflect – is there something that’s bothering you deep down that you haven’t addressed?

10. Be Social – call up an old friend you haven’t talked to in awhile, go to a lighthearted fun movie, hang out with some good friends. Sometimes just taking the effort to connect with others can be enough to snap us out of a low energy moment.

11. Believe in Yourself – this is an important one. Sometimes we have low energy days because we’re disappointed in something or we’re losing faith in ourselves. Believe in yourself and your dreams. Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes you’ve made. Take things one step at a time. Believe in yourself. You can do anything you put your mind to.

---

”What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” 

---

6 POINTS TO CONSIDER


Do you think you might be being used by a co-worker?
For example your co-worker asks you for help in finishing a project, so you put aside your own work and help them out. No big deal plus you feel good helping others. But, what happens when you need someone to lend a hand and you ask that same co-worker and they say “No”. If they ask you again in the future for assistance, would you agree or would you do the same thing that they did to you and refuse?

It’s a tough question. You want to get along with your co-workers and you want to be supportive when you can but on the other hand you don’t want to end up feeling like you’re just being used.

To help or not to help, here are 6 things to consider before you give your answer:

1. Pay attention 
You can learn a lot about your co-workers by paying attention to how they treat other people. Do they usually help people out when they’re asked? Maybe they really are too busy to help you right now. If you ask again at a different time, would they still say no? Also, are they always asking everyone else to help them with their work and do they usually take all the credit for work that’s done or do they share the glory?

You should be able to get a pretty good idea of what type of person your co-worker is just by paying attention.

This will also give you a better idea of whether they think you’re just someone for them to use or whether they ask you all the time because they respect and admire your work.

There is also the possibility that they may be able to help you out in the future in a different way. For example, they could be a reference for you or put in a good word for you when a prime job comes up. It’s usually best not to burn any bridges if you can help it but by figuring out your co-worker’s personality type will provide you with excellent information on the best way to handle any future interactions. You’ll also know whether they are someone you can trust or not.

2. Think of the big picture
By helping out your co-worker now could pay off for you in the future. For example:

Is your boss going to notice that you’re a team player and willing to come to others’ aid when they need it?

Are you gaining skills in a different area?

Are you making valuable connections with other people?

By thinking of the big picture, you could come out ahead in the end even if you sometimes feel like you’re just being used in the meantime.

3. Communicate 
Communication is key to any relationship whether it’s personal or business. Tell the person in a professional and constructive way how you’re feeling about the situation. If they don’t know how you’re feeling then they can’t address the issue. It may be a situation of two people viewing the same incident in completely different ways.

4. Use humour 
You could make a joke and say something like, “Are you buying lunch?” to get across the point that you expect something in return this time. Use this one carefully though. Some people respond to humour well, others don’t. From using point #1 (figuring out their personality type), you should have a pretty good idea on how they would react.

5. What are the consequences?
As Einstein said, “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” and there will be consequences for whichever answer you give. Think of all the possible outcomes to whether you say “yes” or “no”. For example:

Is your boss going to just tell you to help them anyway?

Does the person hold grudges?

Will they make things more difficult for you in the future?

Will they be fine with it and simply ask someone else?

Are they going to understand that you’re busy too and that your time is to be respected as well?

6. How does it make you feel?
When the situation happens, it’s important to be aware of how it’s making you feel. Do you feel good or do you just end up with building resentment? Are you getting madder and madder because you expect something in return and you’re not getting anything? If it’s causing you a lot of extra stress and anger, it may not be worth saying, “yes”. You need to take a look at your feelings towards the situation and deal with them. Also, point #3 of communication would be valuable in this situation. If it’s causing you anxiety, talk to them about it. If it makes you feel valuable when you’re able to help others then that’s also an important consideration when making your decision.

Ultimately, you know the situation best but by considering the above 6 points, you will have taken the time to think it thoroughly through and will be able to make the best possible decision. It’s one of those areas where how you react today could have a huge impact on your future. Think carefully before you speak and you’ll come out ahead.

:-) 

Do you find yourself getting so angry with people all the time?

It can be frustrating and often you'll feel bad afterwards for having been so out of control with your anger. But, you don't know why you do it or how to control it. So, where to start?

A great place to start when trying to gain control over your temper is figuring out the real feeling behind the emotion. So, the next time you get angry with someone, take a step back and ask yourself, "Why am I so angry?" What's really going on here?

If you answer something like, "I'm so angry because my friend didn't do what I told him to" you're not digging deep enough. The other person is just a trigger for your emotion. They do something and you feel an emotion in response (anger). That's what you need to figure out. It's your reaction that's important, not what the other person actually did. A situation just "is" until you give it meaning. Something happens and you make the decision (whether you're conscious of the decision or not) as to whether it's "good", "bad" or "neutral". And, that decision is often based on an emotional response. So, you just need to figure out why you're choosing the anger as your response.

The reason why you choose anger can be for quite a few different reasons but this is what you need to figure out. You need to know where your anger is really coming from.

Anger can be a tricky emotion because it's often covering up other issues. Anger is used as a sort of mask. It covers up the true feelings like fear, jealousy, frustration, or annoyance. It's a way of dealing with the situation when you haven't processed the real feelings behind it.

There's always something behind anger. Anger doesn't really come by itself. It's always attached to another emotion. In that sense, anger could be thought of as an intermediate emotion. An event happens, the brain doesn't have time (or doesn't want to) to fully process the situation and it needs a reaction, so anger is what's used until there's more time to examine everything in more detail.

To help you figure out what your true emotions might be behind why you're feeling so angry, here are 10 different reasons and emotions that could be happening:

1. Fear

Anger is often caused by fear. Something happens and it scares you in some way. You fear losing control, looking foolish, being in trouble, or maybe even getting hurt. But, your anger is in response to being afraid of something. It's that whole fight or flight concept happening. Anger is the fighting back at what scares you. So, ask yourself if you're really feeling afraid.

2. Powerlessness

There's a great quote which says, "Anger is a chosen response to the feeling of powerlessness. Anger is how we attempt to reassert control over situations that baffle us." So, you may be feeling helpless or like a victim with something and you use anger to try and regain some sort of control in your life.

Something to watch out for this one is that you could be feeling powerless in one situation and it will cause you to react with anger at anyone who upsets you. For example, say you have a health issue and you're feeling frustrated because you can't get in to see the specialist. So, you feel powerless in this situation, probably also a little scared and frustrated. That's the feeling percolating in the back of your mind and you need a way to release that so as soon as someone or something annoys you, all your pent up feelings are vented on that person. They may have absolutely nothing to do with why you're feeling powerless. But, they've become a handy way to release all those negative feelings you've bottled up.

So, if you find yourself over reacting to situations, check and see if you are feeling powerless in a different situation. Again, you're figuring out where your real anger is coming from.

3. Frustration

If you're feeling frustrated with something in your life, you might respond with anger. You're just so frustrated with something that you're annoyed and angry. For example when you're learning something new like a software program. You just want the program to do something and it's so frustrating because you don't know how to get the software to do that. So, you're feeling impatient and you respond by getting angry at the computer or the program.

Or if you're stuck in a traffic jam and you're frustrated because there's nothing you can do. This one can also be caused by fear though. You fear that you're going to be late due to the traffic jam and your imagination starts going wild with all the bad things that are now going to happen (eg. lose your job because you're going to be late or someone is going to be mad at you, etc.) But, the anger starts with feeling frustrated or powerless with the situation. You don't know what to do.

To deal with this one, it can help if you take a step back and just look at the big picture again. What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I do that? rather than focusing on the obstacle or thing that's frustrating you.

4. Pain From The Past

Often anger is associated with pain from the past. A traumatic experience happened in the past that the person has never really dealt with. Abuse as a child for example or feeling abandoned as a child. In this case, often the anger isn't even associated with the current event the person is experiencing. The person is just so angry at the entire world due to something that happened a long time ago. They hit out at everyone they come into contact with due to the constant pain they have deep inside. Or they feel so hurt that they don't want to let anyone come close to them. They use the anger as a way of protecting themselves from further hurt. Or a situation happens and it reminds them of that event that happened a long time ago and they automatically react with anger.

5. Bad Habit

Sometimes anger comes because it's easier to blame others for problems rather than taking responsibility for your own life or you don't want to come up with a solution yourself. You're just used to reacting that way and it's become a very bad habit.

6. Feeling Overwhelmed or Exhausted

If you're overly exhausted all the time, you might be just too tired to mentally deal with situations that happen. You don't have the strength to have patience with the situation. This is one you often find with new parents but it can happen to anyone if they're overly tired.

Or you might just have too many things happening at once and it causes overwhelm for you. You're at the limit of what you can handle at the moment. It can feel scary and you might react with anger at the next event that pushes you over your threshold of what you can deal with.

7. Jealousy

You feel jealous about what someone else has or has done. It might remind you that you want that as well or it tells you that you're not following your own dreams. But, instead you get so angry at the person for having something you want when really you need to turn it around and start thinking "That's something I'd like to have in my life too. How do I start to work towards getting that for myself?"

8. Approval Seeking

If someone is looking for validation or approval from others, they might go to incredible lengths to please the other person and when the other person doesn't react the way they want them to, they feel hurt but they respond with anger as a way to deal with those feelings. They don't feel good enough inside or they feel like a failure so they try to get others to tell them how good they are. But, it doesn't work and they end up feeling angry at everyone because they've gone to so much effort and it wasn't appreciated.

The answer to this one is that you need to deal with those feelings of why you don't feel good enough and start to approve of yourself first. Once you approve of yourself, so will others.

9. Hurt

If you feel hurt by someone's actions, a part of you might not want to deal with that emotion so you choose to respond with anger instead.

10. Manipulation

Sometimes people use anger as a way to get others to react in a certain way. For example, they want the other person to do them a favor and if the other person hesitates they get mad so the other person will do what they want. Or they want to gain control over the other person and they know if they get angry the other person will back down. Or they want to make the other person afraid of them. Sometimes people even use it as a way to get out of doing things. Someone asks them to help them with something and they get mad at the other person not only to get out of the current situation but to discourage the other person from ever asking again.


Do you know anyone who has anger problem???? if so, help them..
share this to your friends.

Interpersonal skills can make or break human relationships.   Increased stress further challenges our communication and can compromise our relationships.  Quality in personal relationships relies on listening skills. When people don’t listen to each other, there is no real understanding, no basis for growing together, no mutuality, and no acceptance.

Effective communication is a learned skill and the foundation upon which all else in a relationship is built.  If you want to improve your relationships, practice the following tips:

• Listen without countering. Actively try to hear the other person’s point of view. Stop planning what you are going to do or say next and just tune in. Don’t be defensive.
• Make eye contact. 
• Speak for yourself. Make "I" statements about what you feel, and need.
• State and restate what you have heard. Seek clarification.
• Stick to the subject. Make your point without making accusations. Provide examples or details to support your point.
• Look inside yourself.  What is the motive behind the words you choose to say? To defend, provoke, distract or to really communicate?
• Ask for behavioral change.  Bring the conversation back to your everyday life.  What will be different after this discussion? What can be expected?
• Remember your partner’s trigger points. Then resist the temptation to use them.
• Remember your own trigger points. Then resist the temptation to react.
• Agree to disagree sometimes.  Practice respectful acceptance of difference.
• Remember the power of apology.  If you know you have been hurtful or wrong.
• And lastly remember that Communication is the key to everything in life.

• SURVIVAL: Fear about her own and her children’s safety if she leaves.
• ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE: Can she survive on one income?
• FEAR: Of being alone, fear that she cannot cope with home and children by herself.
• PARENTING: Wanting a father for the children.
• RELIGION: Pressure to keep the family together.
• FAMILY: Extended family pressure to keep the family together.
• LOYALTY: If he had cancer, she’d stick by him.
• RESCUE: If she stays, she can “save” him and help him “get better.”
• FEAR OF HIS SUICIDE: He says he’ll kill himself if she leaves.
• DENIAL: “It’s really not so bad.”
• LOVE: She loves him, and he is quite often loving and lovable when he’s not being abusive.
• IDENTITY: Many women feel that they need a man in order to be complete.
• SHAME, EMBARRASSMENT AND HUMILIATION: She doesn’t want anyone to know.
• LOW SELF-ESTEEM: After years of being criticized by her abuser, she believes that it must be her fault, she must deserve it, she’ll never find anyone better, “a little love is better than no love at all.”
• SEX ROLE: “That’s just the way men are.”

GIVEN ALL THE REASONS WOMEN* MIGHT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, IT SEEMS A MORE USEFUL QUESTION MIGHT BE “WHERE DO WOMEN GET THE COURAGE TO LEAVE THEIR ABUSERS?” OR “WHY DO BATTERERS ASSUME THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE?”

                                                                                           

* 95% of the patients seen in emergency departments for injuries as a result of domestic violence are women. Men can also be victims, in heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. 

kama unataka kutengeneza breakfast Burrito tumia maelezo haya...

Ingredients

• 2 teaspoons canola oil
• 1/2 small red onion, diced (1 cup)
• 1 red bell pepper, seeded and diced
• 1 cup drained, rinsed canned black beans, preferably low-sodium
• 1/4 teaspoon chili flakes
• Salt and freshly ground black pepper
• 4 eggs and 4 egg whites
• 1/3 cup (about 1 1/2-ounce) shredded pepper Jack cheese
• Cooking spray
• 4 (10-inch) whole-wheat tortillas (burrito-size)
• 1/4 cup reduced-fat sour cream
• 1/4 cup salsa
• 1 large tomato, (4 ounces) seeded and diced
• 1 small avocado (4 ounces), cubed
• Hot sauce

Directions

Heat the canola oil in a large nonstick skillet over a medium-high heat. Cook the onions and peppers until onions are softened and peppers are slightly charred, about 8 minutes. Add black beans and red pepper flakes and cook until warmed through, another 3 minutes. Season with salt and pepper and transfer to a dish.

Whisk together the eggs and egg whites then stir in the cheese. Spray the skillet with cooking spray, and reheat the skillet over a medium heat. Reduce heat to low and add eggs, scrambling until cooked through, about 3 minutes. Spread each tortilla with 1 tablespoon each sour cream and salsa, then layer with 1/4 of the black bean mixture, 1/4 of the scrambled eggs, some diced tomato and 1/4 of the avocado. Season, to taste, with hot sauce. Roll up burrito-style and serve.

Per Serving:

Calories 460; Total Fat 20 g; (Sat Fat 6 g, Mono Fat 4 g, Poly Fat 1 g) ; Protein 23 g; Carb 51 g; Fiber 12 g; Cholesterol 235 mg; Sodium 860 mg

Excellent source of: Protein, Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C,

Good source of: Riboflavin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Vitamin K, Calcium, Iodine, Iron, Potassium, Selenium

kila la kheri..

Directions

Simmer 1 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup cider vinegar, 3 tablespoons eachmolasses and brown sugar, 1 tablespoon each dried mustardand soy sauce, 2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce, 1 cup water, and kosher salt and pepper to taste until thickened, about 30 minutes. Preheat a grill to medium-high on one side. Season 4bone-in, skin-on chicken breast halves with salt and pepper. Grill over direct heat until golden and crisp on both sides, about 5 minutes. Transfer to a bowl and toss with 1 cup of the sauce. Place on the cooler side of the grill; cover and cook, basting once, until the meat is glazed and reaches 165, 25 to 30 minutes.